Random Thoughts

This post is going to be a mix of things...
First off, medical insurance. My new insurance started February 1st. I saw my Na.pro doctor at the end of January, in effort to try to catapult myself into the next few months with some kind of plan. And so, I was put on T.3 and Am.oxicillin. 

At the beginning of February, my doctor called and asked for a blood draw to check my thyroid levels. It ended up being a bit of a hassle, because I couldn't go to the lab my doctor usually deals with. I had to use an "in-network" place, get all the correct paperwork faxed, etc. I went in for a blood draw last week Thursday.

Today I called my doctor's office to check the status of getting the doctor on my provider list, and to make sure they got a copy of the lab work...

• No updates on the insurance. The billing guy says he's "not sure" if the doctor has filled out the paperwork or not. Great, well, I have an appointment in March, so it's starting to look like that's not going to pull through in time. 

• No lab work information has been given to the doctor yet. I have to make another round of phone calls to try to get it faxed over. 

 Why am I putting myself through this!? It's a lot of headache to keep tabs on all these people. I also have a husband, a job, graduate school, and other obligations to keep tabs on. Plus, my heart is still broken. Dealing with doctors really feels like the last straw. It may not seem like much, but I'm reaching my breaking point. 

I think all of this Na.pro nonsense will have a way of resolving itself one way or another. At this point, I've accepted that my doctor won't end up on the provider list...and that'll be the end of Na.pro for me. I'm sad/frustrated by that reality, but there's nothing I can do about it (except pay out of pocket for the visits, which isn't really a financial priority at the moment). 

I didn't mention it before, but another change I'm making is stopping my STM charting. I'd also love to give up my CrM.S charting, too...but I can't really do that until I know what's going on with the Na.Pro doctor. I'm also no longer allowing myself to use OPKs or HPTs. According to all my temps and CM, I ovulate every cycle. I don't need all of these "things" to tell me that. Nor do I need the reminder that use of them is not helping me get pregnant. 

As far as the am.oxicillin goes, last cycle I had amazing success with it! I think I had the best CF ever. This month??? Nothing. It is not helping at all. What's the deal?! I guess my body is just stubborn. The exact same thing happened when I tried Muc.inex: first cycle, great. Second, third, fourth, etc cycle? Nada. 


I ovulate every month. I'm not getting pregnant. All of the signs are right in front of me. Na.Pro isn't working out. It's looking more and more like I need to "let go".


I talked to my sister at length about some of this. I told her about my fear of another pregnancy going awry. I told her about my feelings of guilt, etc. While our situations are completely different (She and her DH experienced male IF and have adopted 3 children). She can relate to my frustration to some degree. My sister is no longer Ca.tholic, so we do have some break-down in that regard. Anyway, I told her that I feel like if I am being open to what God wants for us, then that means I have to accept another loss. And I also have to accept that children aren't part of our future at all. I've been feeling like I need to "grieve" the fact that children may never come. My sister encouraged me to be accepting of life, no matter what happens, but to let go of the "grieving" part. She said that being "open" doesn't have to mean I hash out every single scenario in my mind. It's not like any of this "grieving" is doing anything positive for me, and I realize that. But its really hard not to think about it. It's difficult to face all of these unsuccessful cycles and not grieve over what isn't happening (and may never happen). 


So, I guess I really have no idea what I'm going to do. It seems like I'm being led away from Na.Pro. I have to cut out the STM, OPKs, etc because its driving me insane. I want to give up Cr.MS for a similar reason, although my feelings towards it aren't as negative. 

Children are still on my mind, pretty much 24/7. The medical stuff is not working out for me. What else can I do? Not much, really. I ovulate on my own. We have sex when we need to. It's not happening. Unless we bring in other technologies (which is never going to happen), there's really nothing else to do. I don't want to stop trying, but I need to save my sanity. I don't want to "give up" but I can't go on like this forever.

I'm certainly at a crossroad. I feel like I've built my whole life around the "someday" of having children, but it seems like I'm on a road to nowhere.

To add a little more sting to the situation, DH is taking a class right now where he has to complete a project based around pregnancy. He was given a scenario (young unmarried woman, pregnant, no family support, no job, etc). He has to research all options available to help her: medical care, baby supplies, etc. His textbook is filled with pictures at various stages of gestation. I know it's really hard on him to have to complete this project. He attends a Ca.tholic university, so thankfully ab.ortion is off the table, but it's been really hard for him. 


So far I'm not doing too well at getting to Mass everyday. I'm going to Stations of the Cross tonight, though.